From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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