she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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