Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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