I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize