Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
