so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
