I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
