U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
