Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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