one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
