Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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