Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
