No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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