I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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