Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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