She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
