dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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