If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
