I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
