So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
