she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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