sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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