After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
