I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
