hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
