I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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