Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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