I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
