We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
