He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize