dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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