Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He told me they were just razor bumps!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
