I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
