If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
