When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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