I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
