I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
