the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
