captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
