We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
