It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
