PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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