Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it glows. i had to have it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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