went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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