a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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