That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I am one with the molecules
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
