I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
