I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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