did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
