it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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