you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
