Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
