Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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