There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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