I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
