3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
i need to put some appletini on your dick
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
