i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
