coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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